Real world youth ministry is messy, raw and sometimes very heartbreaking to see the pain of today’s teen.  Youth ministry can be really painful if you truly empathize with hurting students.  Youth pastors that open their own humanity to student are making the students’ suffering their suffering.

The Problem:  There is a tendency that the longer youth pastors are in youth ministry, the less emphatic they become towards today’s teens.  Recent studies show that medical students score progressively lower on empathy tests the further they get into their training and medical practice.  Both doctors and pastor are called to help the hurting.  Do you think this same study on medical students is true for pastors who work with students?  Can training and experience be a cause for NOT showing empathy? 

Think about it…..a veteran youth worker has seen and heard it all so it may be easier not to care as a way to cope.  Or the youth pastor is disenfranchised with the church system and doesn’t believe the church can offer up true healing for today’s teens.

My Questions:  Can the church literally beat empathy out of youth workers? What are some causes that cause youth pastors not to care?  Can youth pastor for whatever reason stop caring and not show students mercy?  Why in the church world it is so much easier to pretend like you care?  How can youth pastors keep empathy while working in youth ministry?

My Final Thoughts:  I love hanging around with younger and newer youth pastors because they care so much!!!  They are fresh out of training or are in their first ministry assignment and they are so fired up!  I decided very early on in my youth ministry career that I would never turn away from students’ suffering.  I side with Andrew Root’s (Andy is a Youth Ministry Prof at Luther Theological Seminary) thinking in Relationships Unfiltered.  Andy states:  One of the goals of youth ministry is to be human beings who seek to be human with and for others in the power of God who has become human for us all.

I am VERY curious:  Can experienced and seasoned youth pastors eventually stop caring?

(classroom pic brought to you by Public Record Office Victoria)

As of late, I have been asked: “if I want to become a youth pastor, where/how should I get my youth ministry education?”

My answer:  Excellent question.  There are formal and informal routes.  The formal routes are Bible college, youth ministry certificate programs and/or seminary, which are great routes—but in this post I am not going to deal with these formal routes.  Rather, I am going to speak more to the “hands on” education.  My goal is to unlock the youth ministry education available outside of classes, all around you.

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A focus on relational youth ministry…

(1)  … gives students access to a non-parental, committed adult who cares for and loves them. Moses realized (in Deut. 6) that God chose the family and the faith community as the two entities through which He would tell His story to the next generation.

(2)   …gives students a place to share but gives leaders a more realistic picture of the mindset of today’s students.   Relational youth ministry makes leaders aware of the day-to-day life of a teen; things like: suffering caused by deep emotional wounds, neglectful parenting, faith questions, broken friendships, and poor self-identity. Bottom line today’s student bear a lot of pain and brokeness.

When relational youth ministry is done right, students will begin to share their deep dark secrets they haven’t told anyone else.

The beauty about relational youth ministry is that it gives student a place to share.  The danger is not having a procedure-plan-policy in place when a student shares some dark stuff and needs professional help.  What do we do with the pain, abuse, sufferings and hurt that students share? It is problematic when a student shares hurt to a youth worker, and the youth worker neglects to get the help the student may need.  One of the aims of youth ministry is to help kids become healthy — Jesus following adults.

Are our youth ministries prepared when a student shares their deep dark secret?  When does a youth worker refer to a licensed counselor?  How does a youth worker not destroy the relationship with the student but get the student the help he/she needs?

I had to learn my “procedure” on the fly.  For some odd reason, the students I talked with always went deep real fast.  They told me about rape, stealing, assalt, sexual abuse, death, physical abuse, suicide, disease, doubt, drug addictions, drug selling, abortions and pregnancies.  It was almost like they were testing me by saying:  Okay…. if I tell you this heavy dark stuff, what will you do about it?  Will you be like every other adult and just say it is okay and to deal with it or will you actually get me help?

I am convinced that when we do relational youth ministry we have to be prepared to help the hurting student.  We just cannot get sloppy.

Based off of my experience, here are some things to think about when a student shares a hurt:

* Assessment:  In the assessment period, you have to discern the seriousness of the hurt.  There are two ways to discern the hurt:

(1)  Look for anger. If there is anger and a fairly serious situation refer the student/family to a licensed Christian therapist.  Referring them to a “licensed” profession is really important.  Be intentional to network with profession Christian counselor that you can trust so you can refer students and families to.  If the situation is more drama and no one is getting hurt, give them some tools and book to read aka the Bible  : )

(2)  Look for The 3 HURTS:  When a student shares their emotional stuff be on the look our for the 3 HURTS.  If any of these 3 hurts show up, refer to a counselor.

(a)  ”I am hurting myself” I.E.  Cutting, suicide attempts

(b)  ”I have been hurt.”  I.E. any type of abuse (emotional, sexual or physical)

(c)  ”I am hurting someone else.” I.E.  violent rages and anger manifestations

* Tell the parents:  If a student is hurting themselves or hurting others, encourage them to tell their parents. When mom and dad get involved, they can help support and love their student while getting them the help they need.  Typically this is where the student gets really mad at you.   They will cuss you out, call you a liar and they will say they will never telling you anything ever again.  Remember…. the goal is to get hurting students healthy.  I would always give the student the opportunity to tell their parents first—  with a clear deadline.  If they didn’t tell by the deadline, then I would tell.  This way you give an opportunity for the student to first confess to the parents so the parents wouldn’t have to hear the “news” from the youth pastor.

Now if a student is being hurt (i.e sexual abuse or physical abuse) you may need to report it to the authorities.  Statistically speaking, more than likely it is the parents that is doing the abusing.  If the parent(s) are the ones doing the hurting, then don’t encourage the student to tell their parents–  directly go to the authorities.  **  Please note:  It is important to make yourself aware of the mandatory reporting laws in your state.  You can read more about these laws  here and here

*  No confidentially policy:  The best fit for today’s students is clearly stating up front that if they tell you they are hurting themselves, others, or if someone is hurting them, then you have to tell someone aka their parents and refer them to a professional.  Try to say this message from the stage when you are speaking and when you are meeting with students.  They need to know your NO CONFIDENTIAL POLICY before they start telling you their dark secrets.

*  Youth workers are NOT trained to do professional counseling like Dr. Phil. Not only are youth pastors not qualified, but the role of the youth pastor is not to be the resident professional counselor.  My policy was never to see a family or student more than two times.  Leave that for the professionals.  Students are not looking for adults to have all the answers, rather they are looking for an adult with a caring ear as they navigate their adolescent journey.  I always sought out after great Christian counselors in the community who I respected and trusted, so when I referred I knew who exactly I was referring to.  Plus the church always paid for the first 2 counseling visits.  The key is to pay for the first few visit so the family or students doesn’t have any reason not to do to get the help they need.  Don’t waste your time do all the youth ministry counseling.  If you ever have any questions, contact your trusted licensed Christian counselor and ask them about procedures.

*  Prayer:  The Holy Spirit is the counselor not you.  When meeting with students always point them back to Jesus.  God is qualified to transform and clean hearts so give Him room to do what He does best.  It isn’t your job to do the deep investigation and find out what is really going on.

*  Books that can help:  Two of my favorite books that have greatly helped me in my youth ministry counseling are:

The Comprehensive Guide To Youth Ministry Counseling

The Youth Worker’s Guide To Helping Teens in Crisis

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Questions for youth pastors:

What is your youth ministry procedure when a student shares their deep dark secret?  How do you deal with the deep-hurting pain that students confess?

Do you have a list of trusted-licensed Christian counselors?

What else would you suggest to do or think about when a student shares a hurt?

(Back To The Future Car pic is brought to you by destino2003)

The movie Back to the Future is one of my favorites.  Two of my favorite parts of the movie are:

1) When Marty McFly plays Johnny B. Good on the electric guitar

Click here to view the embedded video.

and

2)  The sweet Back to the Future car aka DeLorean DMC-12

So the other day I was thinking about what if I could travel back in time to my first youth ministry job??  And I continued my thought by asking the questions of:

I wonder what I would do differently in youth ministry in light of what I know now?

What are some of the mistakes I made early on that I could share with other rookie youth pastors?

What have I learned over my youth ministry career that I would und0 and redo?

How cool would it be to travel back to that church youth group and implement everything I have learned?

So I typed out what I wish I could redo if I traveled back to my first youth ministry job:

Develop a relationship with the senior leadership:  I didn’t want anything to do with the senior leadership of the church.  I wanted them to mind their own business and let me do it all on my own.  They didn’t trust me nor did I trust them, which made my first church experience as a professional Christian youth worker pretty painful.  The senior leadership didn’t give a rip about what we were doing in youth ministry, so I didn’t give a rip about what they were doing on Sunday morning.  I would actually make fun of the Sunday morning service and some of the senior leadership.  I wish I would have befriend a few of the elders and senior pastor and just learned their stories, hearts and why they do ministry the way they do.

Abandon my theological arrogance:  The downside of not growing up in church is that I didn’t know any doctrine or Scripture.  So I had to learn fast, so I went to seminary.  I went from zero to 60.  I was able to read koine greek and do exegesis like it was going out of sytle, which made me prideful in my “theological ability”.  I become so obsessed with theology that I started looking for theological fights for fun– especially if you were a Calvinist.  I thought I had it all theologically figured out and I had the bookshelf to prove it.  Somewhere along the line, I realized that debating theology is not productive nor helpful when leading a youth ministry.  I really wish I would have shut my mouth, displayed a theology of humility and not showboated my theological education.  Arguing over minor theological issues is not worth it.

Get youth ministry mentors:  Early on, I decided not surround myself with wise-experienced youth ministry people.  I wanted to be a maverick, which only lead me to dark and lonely places (this was one of the main driving forces why I started blogging–I was so lonely that I needed to connect with other youth workers)   Honestly, not getting a youth ministry mentor is one of my biggest regrets.  I wish I would have got a mentor that I respected who would have whipped me into shape.  This mentor could have saved a lot of my youth ministry trainwrecks.  I thought getting a mentor was not only a big waste of time but a huge hinderance to my youth ministry experimentation because the mentor would teach me how to play it safe.

Involve Parents:  I had so many solid parents at my finger tips that I didn’t use.  I wanted to really utilize my youth ministry staff to do the work of the ministry, which alienated parents.  Essentially I stiffed arm any parents that wanted to help because I was intimated.  Involving parents is so huge because they are not only super reliable but they are the primary spiritual leaders in their students life.  I thought by not including them in the mission of the youth ministry I was doing them a favor by saving them time since they were already so busy.

Find a balance between outreach and discipleship:  When I first started youth ministry, I was soooooo amped to reached the unchurched.  I was bent towards unchurch kids.  I did some crazy events in order to attract unchurch teens who were never step into a church building.  Yes I got some gnarly kids to church, but the youth ministry was not able to assimulate them into the larger church body.  I was just too focused on outreach and I intentionally neglected church kids.  The parents hated me because of my favoritism towards the fringe kids.  Looking back, I wish I would have done more to cater to the Christian kid crowd.

Implement small groups immediately: Getting students into small groups was not a priority.  I thought the real “teaching” happened through the youth group sermons.  Small groups are great because students get another adult to pour into them and they get a positive group of peers that can come alongside them in their walk with Christ.  If I was going to redo something I would build a youth ministry solely on small groups– way more sustainable and healthy.  The best teaching moments happen organically in small group and not from the stage.

Recruit more leaders and expect more out of them:  I hated asking other adults to help.  I thought that I would bother, annoy or overwhelm other adults if I asked them to “help”.  It was my job to do the work of the youth ministry, not others, right?  In fact I set the bar pretty low for the leaders who were serving in youth ministry.  I was very happy if they just showed up.  HOWEVER, I found that when recruiting adults to work with this next generation they do not see it as an annoyance but rather see it is a gift.  Getting an adult to pour into the next generation is a great opportunity and it is perfectly okay to have high expectation of them as they lead and mentor students in their faith with Jesus.  I was just scared to ask when I started out in youth ministry.  I was under the assumption that no one else really “enjoyed” working with teens.  Now I will ask any adult if they want to join the incredible opportunity to work with the next generation.

Develop a 12 month teaching plan:  I ain’t going to lie to kick it—-I prepared my youth group talks the day of youth group.  I didn’t have a plan for what was being taught in youth group.  I had one leader sit me down saying that my youth group talks were not only very disorganized  but never made sense.  I really wish I had a plan or just a strategy on what and when I was teaching my students.  I simply just relied on my “funny” stories and for the Spirit to lead me.  And we as youth workers only really have about 3-5 talks in us and anything after that becomes repetitive.  This fly by the seat of your pants method does not work in the educational system nor does it work in youth ministry.

Delay seminary:  If I was going to redo my youth ministry career all over again, I would go to seminary towards the middle of my ministry career and not in the beginning.  I went to seminary when I was 21.  I basically went from the frat house to seminary– probably not the best idea– I was way young and still really immature.  I should have saved money to pay for seminary.  Instead I am still paying my seminary loans off.  Also I am still processing many of my seminary notes and lectures.  At the time I was so concern to finish my MDIV fast that I never really took the time to internalize the theological education and content.  Still to this day I frequently go back to my seminary notes.   Seminary is intense and you have to be pretty mature to make it through the rigorous academics, especially if your bent is more towards ministry practitioner.

Thankfully:

-  I got multiple diverse church experiences that taught me ministry is tough, complex and you will need help.

-  I married a rockstar who had no problem correcting my flawed thinking and behaviors which helped me become a youth pastor.

-  I had opportunities to talk to theological sages who taught me about what really matters– Love God and People.

-  I found some really great youth ministry friends that challenged my ideology

-  I realized more and more that God is always working on my heart and that He is sovereign.

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So if I placed you into the car time machine; and you were able to re-do your first youth ministry job, what would you do differently?   

See, there is a reason why I call this website an experiment lab for youth pastors.  I thoroughly enjoy looking at the laws of physics and intersecting them with youth ministry.  Granted God engineered these systems (Psalm 19.1)  so I think it is fair to say there is overlap between physics and youth ministry.

My hypothesis:  For the postmodern teen I believe putting them in unfamilar and uncomfortable environments “to do hands on” ministry will greatly test their spiritual maturity.

The Law of Inertia states:  Unless acted upon by an outside force, a body at rest stays at rest and a body in motion stays in motion.

How the Law of Inertia can create spiritual growth in our teens: a student’s faith will remain the same unless acted upon an external force.

Our students’ spiritual life tends to quickly move to “idleness” real fast.  They get saved, they get baptized, they go to church, they follow Jesus’ commandments, then what?  They hit the autopilot button until they graduate.

Many of our students leave our youth group without having a crisis of faith or even having to demonstrate their faith.  I almost think we should manufacture mini-crisis situations that force students to act.  I know this may seem dark and counter-productive, but students are leaving youth group with the same faith they had when they were in 7th grade.  Our students need to be put in environments that apply external force which forces them to test drive their faith.

I think Sir Isaac Newton law of inertia has many corollaries to the spiritual development of a teen.  If Newton was a youth pastor you could almost bet he would apply disruptions in order to produce spiritual growth.  In order to get something to move you have to apply pressure or the spiritual life of a teen will plateau— very quickly.

Applying external force on students’ spirituality requires them to:

- pray to God immediately

- ask God to reveal Himself to them right now

-  test God and see if He will use them

-  heavily rely on God asap

-  exit out of the “comfortable” zone and enter the uncomfortable zone

Applying force puts an urgency on the teen to make a decision of:  Do I really believe this so much that I will act for God?

In Luke 10.1-10, Jesus send out 72 of his followers and said go serve, bless and pray for others in the community.  It is going to be uncomfortable but this is what it means to be the Kingdom of God here and now.

So what are some ways youth pastors create mini external forces that challenge student to act for God?

-  Take your students to apologetic debates between a Christian and an Atheist.  Look at your local colleges or university philosophy departments and see if they have debates happening.  Sometimes they will sponsor religion departments.  Or visit the Stand To Reason website here.  The Stand To Reason guys and gals are from Biola who do the debate thing really well.

-  Take your students on a gnarly 3rd world international mission trip.  My top three picks:  Belize, Haiti and Nicaragua.

-  Invite your students to fast together as a group for more than 30 hours.  The go to event is the 30 hour famine.

-  Randomly start asking students to share their testimony in youth group.  Giving students to talk to other students why Jesus changed their life is so important.

-  Once a quarter randomly select a few nights where you invite your students to go out to the local community and pray for people.  

-  Start practicing hour long solitude times during youth group programming.  Awkward silence creates such an opportunity for the students to search their hearts and the scriptures while asking God what He is doing in and through their life.

-  Visit other churches that are completely opposite in style.  The goal is to find churches that are so different than yours that make you uncomfortable.

-  Invite students to pray out loud in multiple settings at multiple times.  And no I am not talking about asking a student to pray for the meal.  During pray request time, ask a student to immediately pray out load for any student’s request.

-  Find areas of need in your community and serve them.  After the serving encourage students to pray for them.

If you are wanting to apply the law of inertia in your youth ministry, here are some guidelines:

(1) Youth pastor must brief and debrief with the students.  It is important to always walk students through what to do and what just happend.  It is going to be uncomfortable for them to move in a new spiritual direction, so make sure to explain why and how and allow room for them to process out loud.

(2)  Document everything.  Record (both audio and visual), take pictures and write everything down on what happen and how it happened.

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Is it ludicrous to import the law of inertia into our youth group programmatic structure?  Why or why not.

What are other practical ways the law of inertia can help the spiritual life of teens?