Real world youth ministry is messy, raw and sometimes very heartbreaking to see the pain of today’s teen.  Youth ministry can be really painful if you truly empathize with hurting students.  Youth pastors that open their own humanity to student are making the students’ suffering their suffering.

The Problem:  There is a tendency that the longer youth pastors are in youth ministry, the less emphatic they become towards today’s teens.  Recent studies show that medical students score progressively lower on empathy tests the further they get into their training and medical practice.  Both doctors and pastor are called to help the hurting.  Do you think this same study on medical students is true for pastors who work with students?  Can training and experience be a cause for NOT showing empathy? 

Think about it…..a veteran youth worker has seen and heard it all so it may be easier not to care as a way to cope.  Or the youth pastor is disenfranchised with the church system and doesn’t believe the church can offer up true healing for today’s teens.

My Questions:  Can the church literally beat empathy out of youth workers? What are some causes that cause youth pastors not to care?  Can youth pastor for whatever reason stop caring and not show students mercy?  Why in the church world it is so much easier to pretend like you care?  How can youth pastors keep empathy while working in youth ministry?

My Final Thoughts:  I love hanging around with younger and newer youth pastors because they care so much!!!  They are fresh out of training or are in their first ministry assignment and they are so fired up!  I decided very early on in my youth ministry career that I would never turn away from students’ suffering.  I side with Andrew Root’s (Andy is a Youth Ministry Prof at Luther Theological Seminary) thinking in Relationships Unfiltered.  Andy states:  One of the goals of youth ministry is to be human beings who seek to be human with and for others in the power of God who has become human for us all.

I am VERY curious:  Can experienced and seasoned youth pastors eventually stop caring?

(classroom pic brought to you by Public Record Office Victoria)

As of late, I have been asked: “if I want to become a youth pastor, where/how should I get my youth ministry education?”

My answer:  Excellent question.  There are formal and informal routes.  The formal routes are Bible college, youth ministry certificate programs and/or seminary, which are great routes—but in this post I am not going to deal with these formal routes.  Rather, I am going to speak more to the “hands on” education.  My goal is to unlock the youth ministry education available outside of classes, all around you.

At Fuller Seminary, during the summer of 2006, I was able to take one of my favorite seminary classes with Dr. Pete Ward called:  Church, Culture and Youth Ministry.  It was a summer intensive so we spent 10 days (6 hours per day) talking about three of my favorite things (youth ministry, church and culture).  In addition, Dr. Pete Ward was from the UK and for some odd reason, I am really fascinated by the UK culture in relation to youth ministry, so I was eager to learn from Pete in how youth work works in the United Kingdom.

Pete helped me:

• understand how to do youth ministry evangelism in a “post-Christian” context
• learn and respect the ins and outs of youth ministry history (1900s to 2000)
• comprehend how youth workers can engage and respond to culture without being afraid of it
• recognize why contextualization must be a top priority for any youth pastor
• think, seriously, about relational youth ministry and making sure to meet kids where they are at
• grow up as a youth worker
• by demonstrating how to do theological based youth ministry with strong practical application all while being culturally relevant at the same time!

Dr. Pete Ward is the Senior Lecturer in youth ministry and theological education at King’s College, London.  Pete has wrote:

God at the Mall:  Youth Ministry That Meets Kids Where They’re At ( my personal favorite.  this book should be on every youth pastor’s bookshelf)

Liquid Church

God Behaving Badly:  Media, Religion and Celebrity Culture

So just last week, I was re-reading God at the Mall and I thought to myself…….”I need to do a brief interview with Pete on my blog.”  I emailed him asking him if we could do an interview on my youth ministry blog. He immediately got back to me letting me know he would.  I was so stoked because Pete is such a humble and relational youth ministry scholar.  Dr. Ward has obviously shaped a lot of my youth ministry thinking, so I thought it would be fun to give my readers some exposure to the guy who helped me along the way.  Enjoy!

Q & A With Dr. Pete Ward

JZ:  Many national polls indicate Christianity in Britain is on very fast decline, which means Britain is probably very un-churched.  So what does youth work look like in a very unchurched Britain context? 

PW:  First I think the picture is very patchy.  There are very lively churches with some great youth groups.  That said there is now considerable effort being put in to find ways to reach out to young people beyond the church.  Often through community based or relational projects.

JZ:  Some times there is a significant gap between the culture of young people and the culture of the Church.  How would you encourage a youth worker to narrow this gap?  

PW:  There are issues here with how Church works and how young people might appropriate faith.  The key I think is to stay close to young people and also to be concerned to express faith in an authentic way – so dont sell out.

JZ:  Reflecting on youth ministry’s history, what are some key issues?

PW:  I think a key issues is that historically youth ministry has been the research and development department of the Church.  We do new stuff. That is exciting but it is also a responsibility.

JZ:  American youth workers are really starting to latch onto the insane importance of contextualization.  How have you been so successful in translating in-depth sociological research and theological concepts for an everyday, real-life youth ministry?  

PW:  Research, especially empirical research (empirical research is a way of gaining knowledge by means of direct and indirect observation or experience) is really important.  It helps us to understand better what is going on with young people and the wider culture.  This kind of understanding, alongside just being there in the place you are working in is basic to how we express faith in a context.

JZ:  How can youth workers avoid the dangers of contextualization?

PW:  I think fundamentally reading the Bible.  Not through already decided perspectives, but in ways that allow the Bible to recontextualize us.  Barth talked about the Strange New World of the Bible – that is kind of what I am talking about.

JZ:  What are some helpful ways to be a great cultural observer?  How can youth pastors become more culturally aware of what is happenings with today’s youth?

PW:  Start by seeking out what you admire and what you think is good.

JZ:  In American youth ministry, there is a lot of attention to the fact that youth ministries are not doing “enough” evangelism. In your book Growing Up Evangelical:  Youth Work and The Making of A Subculture, you ask the question of:  ….is evangelism essentially adolescent?  What do you mean by this question?

PW:  I am saying that the expression of faith we know as evangelicalism came from working with young people.  It is shaped by student ministry in particular.  This is a strength but also a weakness.

Last week, Marko on the Slant33 blog asked the question of:

We have learned that teenagers live in a world isolated from adults, and unfortunately, most of our ministries perpetuate this.  How are you addressing this problem?

My thoughts:

Students in the American church are experiencing a loneliness epidemic known as systematic abandonment. So what are some responses when addressing abandonment?

In my youth ministry experience it has been my mission, joined with the Holy Spirit, to intentionally respond to this systematic abandonment issue. I have responded in two approaches: 1) Proactively assimilating students into the church body; and 2) Getting more adults in the lives of kids through the small group model.

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A focus on relational youth ministry…

(1)  … gives students access to a non-parental, committed adult who cares for and loves them. Moses realized (in Deut. 6) that God chose the family and the faith community as the two entities through which He would tell His story to the next generation.

(2)   …gives students a place to share but gives leaders a more realistic picture of the mindset of today’s students.   Relational youth ministry makes leaders aware of the day-to-day life of a teen; things like: suffering caused by deep emotional wounds, neglectful parenting, faith questions, broken friendships, and poor self-identity. Bottom line today’s student bear a lot of pain and brokeness.

When relational youth ministry is done right, students will begin to share their deep dark secrets they haven’t told anyone else.

The beauty about relational youth ministry is that it gives student a place to share.  The danger is not having a procedure-plan-policy in place when a student shares some dark stuff and needs professional help.  What do we do with the pain, abuse, sufferings and hurt that students share? It is problematic when a student shares hurt to a youth worker, and the youth worker neglects to get the help the student may need.  One of the aims of youth ministry is to help kids become healthy — Jesus following adults.

Are our youth ministries prepared when a student shares their deep dark secret?  When does a youth worker refer to a licensed counselor?  How does a youth worker not destroy the relationship with the student but get the student the help he/she needs?

I had to learn my “procedure” on the fly.  For some odd reason, the students I talked with always went deep real fast.  They told me about rape, stealing, assalt, sexual abuse, death, physical abuse, suicide, disease, doubt, drug addictions, drug selling, abortions and pregnancies.  It was almost like they were testing me by saying:  Okay…. if I tell you this heavy dark stuff, what will you do about it?  Will you be like every other adult and just say it is okay and to deal with it or will you actually get me help?

I am convinced that when we do relational youth ministry we have to be prepared to help the hurting student.  We just cannot get sloppy.

Based off of my experience, here are some things to think about when a student shares a hurt:

* Assessment:  In the assessment period, you have to discern the seriousness of the hurt.  There are two ways to discern the hurt:

(1)  Look for anger. If there is anger and a fairly serious situation refer the student/family to a licensed Christian therapist.  Referring them to a “licensed” profession is really important.  Be intentional to network with profession Christian counselor that you can trust so you can refer students and families to.  If the situation is more drama and no one is getting hurt, give them some tools and book to read aka the Bible  : )

(2)  Look for The 3 HURTS:  When a student shares their emotional stuff be on the look our for the 3 HURTS.  If any of these 3 hurts show up, refer to a counselor.

(a)  ”I am hurting myself” I.E.  Cutting, suicide attempts

(b)  ”I have been hurt.”  I.E. any type of abuse (emotional, sexual or physical)

(c)  ”I am hurting someone else.” I.E.  violent rages and anger manifestations

* Tell the parents:  If a student is hurting themselves or hurting others, encourage them to tell their parents. When mom and dad get involved, they can help support and love their student while getting them the help they need.  Typically this is where the student gets really mad at you.   They will cuss you out, call you a liar and they will say they will never telling you anything ever again.  Remember…. the goal is to get hurting students healthy.  I would always give the student the opportunity to tell their parents first—  with a clear deadline.  If they didn’t tell by the deadline, then I would tell.  This way you give an opportunity for the student to first confess to the parents so the parents wouldn’t have to hear the “news” from the youth pastor.

Now if a student is being hurt (i.e sexual abuse or physical abuse) you may need to report it to the authorities.  Statistically speaking, more than likely it is the parents that is doing the abusing.  If the parent(s) are the ones doing the hurting, then don’t encourage the student to tell their parents–  directly go to the authorities.  **  Please note:  It is important to make yourself aware of the mandatory reporting laws in your state.  You can read more about these laws  here and here

*  No confidentially policy:  The best fit for today’s students is clearly stating up front that if they tell you they are hurting themselves, others, or if someone is hurting them, then you have to tell someone aka their parents and refer them to a professional.  Try to say this message from the stage when you are speaking and when you are meeting with students.  They need to know your NO CONFIDENTIAL POLICY before they start telling you their dark secrets.

*  Youth workers are NOT trained to do professional counseling like Dr. Phil. Not only are youth pastors not qualified, but the role of the youth pastor is not to be the resident professional counselor.  My policy was never to see a family or student more than two times.  Leave that for the professionals.  Students are not looking for adults to have all the answers, rather they are looking for an adult with a caring ear as they navigate their adolescent journey.  I always sought out after great Christian counselors in the community who I respected and trusted, so when I referred I knew who exactly I was referring to.  Plus the church always paid for the first 2 counseling visits.  The key is to pay for the first few visit so the family or students doesn’t have any reason not to do to get the help they need.  Don’t waste your time do all the youth ministry counseling.  If you ever have any questions, contact your trusted licensed Christian counselor and ask them about procedures.

*  Prayer:  The Holy Spirit is the counselor not you.  When meeting with students always point them back to Jesus.  God is qualified to transform and clean hearts so give Him room to do what He does best.  It isn’t your job to do the deep investigation and find out what is really going on.

*  Books that can help:  Two of my favorite books that have greatly helped me in my youth ministry counseling are:

The Comprehensive Guide To Youth Ministry Counseling

The Youth Worker’s Guide To Helping Teens in Crisis

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Questions for youth pastors:

What is your youth ministry procedure when a student shares their deep dark secret?  How do you deal with the deep-hurting pain that students confess?

Do you have a list of trusted-licensed Christian counselors?

What else would you suggest to do or think about when a student shares a hurt?