(pic brought to you by:  Miss Blackflag)

As a youth worker, one of the nastiest teen bullying episodes I encountered was on facebook.  I knew cyber bullying was happening, but I didn’t know it got so mean, dirty and out of control.

I quickly learned:  Students can leverage their social media influence to bully students they don’t like.  And the scary thing is that the cyber bully can easily frame any student by easily manipulating and destroying their online presence in a matter of seconds. Students are more inclined to be really unkind online.

So how do we (parents, peers and pastor) help kids who get caught in this social media bullying crossfire?

Parents:  The youth ministry needs to not only educate but enroll parents to help protect and monitor their student’s social media presence.  The monitoring of the parents will greatly help when you (the youth pastor) hear and/or see the online bullying happening.  When others would tell me about online bullying or I would see it for myself I would simply shoot the parents an email/text saying:  ”You may want to look at your student’s facebook page”.  The biggest advantage to online bullying is that it is public domain, so everyone can see it and help stop it.

According to Pew research (Pew’s research ran a series of seven focus groups with teens aged 12 to 19):

77 percent say they’ve (the parents) checked a website that their child has visited. Two thirds have searched to see what kind of data showed up about their child.

86 percent of teens said they’ve gleaned “general advice” from their parents on using the ‘Net safely’.

58% of teen internet and cell phone users told Pew that “their parents have been the biggest influence on what they think is appropriate or inappropriate when using the internet or a cell phone.

More than six in ten teens report that they know their parents have checked their social media profile, and 41% of parents of online teens have friended their child on a social network site

Parents are key when trying to prevent online bullying.  They can stop it before it gets out of control or it is too late.

Peers: friends are obviously a huge part of a teenagers life.  So it may be wise to get other trusted adults to lean into the peer network when confronting cyber bullying.  We can invite the peers (of the one being bullied) not to join in on the cyber bullying and also stand up to the bullier by asking him/her/they to stop.  Ask the friends to stand up for what is right when they see their friends getting bullied.

According to Pew research:

But over half (55 percent) said that most of their peers ignore the bad treatment or bullying of others. Nineteen percent admitted that they “frequently see others join in the harassment.”

The role of the friend is very pivotal because how he/she responds, determines if the online bullying continues.

Pastor:  As a youth pastor, I think it is our responsibility to help assist, correct, confront, discipline, encourage and equip our students’ online lives.  Students always need more help in how they navigate their online world.  Also don’t hesitate to confront the cyber bully.  I had no problems confronting the cyber bully who was bullying students in the community.

Plus if parents know they have another trusted-committed-online savvy adult looking out for their teen online, then parents will automatically love you.  I am a big advocate for youth pastors pastoring their student online.  This online pastoring not only protects their students, but invites students to be like Jesus in their online relationships.  A student simply needs to be taught and modeled how to conduct their offline and online presence.  Essentially both the online and offline Christian teenager needs to love and reflect Jesus in every  ”space” of their life and they may be looking to their parents and youth pastor for help.

According to Pew research:

70 percent of teens said they’ve gotten advice from teachers or other adults at school and in the community.

____________________________________

Questions For the Youth Pastor:

How do you educate parents about social media?  Do you feel like your parents are checking their students online profiles?

How involved should a youth pastor get in “pastoring” their students online?

Do you find in your context that online bullying is a happening frequently?  Why or why not.

What other ways can youth ministries stop online bullying?   How have you dealt with online bullying in your youth ministry?

(Theological Foundations pics brought to you by:   Some rights reserved by liikennevalo)

Over the past 3 years, I have really been thinking about what theologies are youth workers responding to?  How are youth pastors thinking theologically?

I strongly believe all youth ministries not only need a strategy but a theological emphasis.  The youth worker allows the Scriptures to shape their ministry strategy and programs, and not the reverse.  Here are 3 theological foundations that are influencing the trenches of youth ministry:

(1) Family Ministry (Deut 6 and Proverbs 1:8-9):  There is an insane increase of young-kidless youth pastors who know mom and dad are the primary spiritual leader in a student’s life.  Student pastors are on mission to get the family and community involved in the life of a teen.  Student pastors are realizing that shepherding does not happen from stage but at home and with an adult small group leader.

(2) Spiritual Formation (Galatians 5):  Spiritual formation is a sexy term for sanctification.  Spiritual formation in youth ministry is all about developing the “whole (shelom)” student.  The formation process happens when Biblical knowledge is mixed with experience, and the encountering and revealing of the Holy Spirit.

(3) Missiology(Luke 10.1-3): Youth ministries are wanting to be marked as a place that sends young people out that demonstrates the Kingdom of God to others.  More and more students are wanting to do Jesus style of ministry outside of the church.  Students are wanting to become missionaries across the world and across the street so they can restore the world.  Basically youth pastors are reminding teenagers their entire life is missionary work so at the age of 12 they better get to work if they said the “sinners” prayer.

I think it is cool that there are a lot of youth workers thinking theologically so they know for a fact their youth ministry ways are the teachings of God.  In the next 10 years, if youth ministry does these 3 theologies really well, youth ministry will be on a great trajectory.

________________________________________

Do you agree or disagree with my assessment?

What are some other theologies shaping youth ministry?

________________________________________

Regardless of the size or style or cultural setting of your church, the issue of family is universal.  –Joiner, Reggie Think Orange p.  229

One of the biggest evangelism efforts should be to reach out to all families in our communities.  Everyone has a family, so family is a shared interest for everyone. If youth ministries were able to speak to the needs of the family there would be some amazing outreach potential.  Student pastors are trained to train their students to evangelize their friends at school. In fact, I go to great lengths talking about the insane importance of evangelism in our youth ministries:  Talking About Jesus, Persuading Teenagers About Christ, explaining the theory of Inside/Out Evangelism, and illustrating Strategies in Youth Outreach. Youth ministry evangelism is a great thing but what if youth ministries widen their reach beyond students to all families in the community?

The church’s historical view of family:

-  church was at the center of community

-  family was central to the church

-  families saw the church as their community

-  sunday school was taught by parents/grandparents and rarely attended by teenagers

-  youth groups were lead by lay leaders and focused on fellowship

-  discipleship was the primary task in the home

-  church staff was limited to immediate and broad pastoral concerns

How youth ministry drifted away from the historical view of family:

-  student ministries detached themselves from the church family

-  tends to solely focus on making Christian families holier and better

-  advocates for individualistic discipleship for it’s students

-  promotes that big church is only for adults

-  community doesn’t see church as primary influence or as a resource to families

How youth ministries can reach out to families in their community:

Encourage missional parenting – missional parenting means:  1)  that Jesus-loving parents love and care for students who don’t have great home situations and 2) Jesus-loving parents love and care for other parents who do not attend the church.  Sometimes Christian students are not living in Christian homes, which means that these students will need a Christian influence from many other Christian adults, in particular other parents.  In my experience I always had a handful of amazing church families who really felt called to take in these students by: paying for their  camp/event fees, providing hospitality towards them (open door policy to their home), giving them rides to and from church, praying with and for them, and befriending their parents.

Parents interact with other parents, which can lead to Christian parents influencing other unchurched parents to come check out church or understand what youth group is about. Honestly I think missional parenting is the biggest factor in reaching unchurched parents.  The parents of your youth group students immediately become fully time missionaries!

“With the deconstruction of the modern sentiment of maternal love, a new, postmodern sentiment has emerged, one that might be called shared parenting.”  David Elkind, Ties That Stress The New Family Imbalance, page 53

Host parenting seminar at your church – Every parent in your community might needs tools to be a better parent.  So why not have a Christian therapist or respected Christian parents in your community come to your church and do a parenting seminar and invite the entire community?  Possible seminar topics:  commitment to one another, adequate time together, effective communication and conflict management, expression of appreciation and encouragement, find a shared spiritual life that gives meaning and purpose for the family. I have done this is the past and unchurched parents are way more open to coming to church when they are getting free parenting tools.

Communication – Bombard parents with communication.  Parents are always wanting to be in the “know.”  It is especially important to communicate with parents who don’t attend church themselves but who have students who do.  Unchurched parents are immediately suspicious of and lacking trust for the youth pastor and the church’s youth ministry.  Communicating what is happening in the youth ministry will (hopefully) help parents trust the youth pastor.  In the past, I wrote quarterly parent newsletters to inform, equip, and encourage parents.  I made this parent newsletter as public as possible.  I didn’t use much Christian jargon because I wanted the newsletter to appeal to all parents, not just parents who already attended our church.

Purchase parenting books in bulk and put them on your bookshelf – All parents will need books on how to parent through their teen’s life stages. Great books to recommend families on parenting:   Reggie Joiner and Carey Nieuwhof Parenting Beyond Your Capacity, Chap Clark, Parenting Teens In A Myspace World, and Michael Bradley, Yes, Your Teen is Crazy!:  Loving Your Kid Without Losing Your Mind.  I bought all these books in bulk to pass on when a parent came to me with their teenage and family problems.  I could simply listen and pray with them, and then provide them a free resource that I trusted and knew it had great parenting content.

Do family events in your community that are sponsored by church – I had great success as the youth ministry partnered with other church ministries to do family based events.  i.e. beach BBQ, church picnic, camping, serving events, bowling nights, attend a pro baseball game, and all family church rummage sale.

Live out A theological understanding of incarnational witness and evangelism – Jesus engaged relationships with no expectations.  He was the light to the lost.  Therefore youth pastors need to be aware “other” parents are watching your every move when you are in public.  So don’t be a jerk.  Emulate Jesus to the best of your ability.  Reach out to have a relationship with parents even if they don’t want it.  Parents need to know you care and want to listen to their needs and concerns.  My point:  Be the Kingdom wherever you go.  Befriend, love, and serve all families.

Questions youth ministries need to think about:

(1) How does a youth pastor come alongside a students’ parent when they (parents) don’t want anything to do with the gospel?

(2)  What educational topics do parents need to be informed about?

(3)  What do we do, when parents don’t see the added value of youth ministries partnering with them?

(4)  What are other ways youth ministry can serve the local families in the community?

(5)  How do we serve the unconventional families in our community?

Orange and XP3Students are very interested in figuring out the way technology is changing the family landscape and giving parents (with teenagers) practical advice of how to deal with it.  I think youth workers need to speak to what aspects are greatly impacting all families (both in and out of the church).

At my previous church, we had 5th graders on the new 4G iphone (with unlimited minutes, texting, and internet usage) communicating with their parents trying to coordinate their rides home from church.  I also had high school females sending and receiving 5,000 texts a month and mad at their parents because they had to pay the overcharges.  In contrast, I had students who were only allowed to use mobile phones to talk to their parents.  Then again, is technology the only problem that is impacting the family?

I think it is safe to say: our culture is moving into the digital age which is changing teenagers and parents. But how does a youth worker equip both the teenagers and parents on how to deal with this digital domination?

Questions For Student Pastors or Teen Social Workers:

____________________________________________________

-  What is the effect of technology on the family?

-  What other aspects (besides technology) are impacting the 21st American family?

-  What are some of the major issues unchurched families are encountering?

-  Should a student pastor/social worker use mobile technology to communicate with parents?  How does a student pastor/social worker use mobile technology to communicate with parents?

-  From a youth pastor/teen social worker perspective, how have you observed the families in your church/organization phone usage? What effect does parents phone usage have on their teens?  What effect does teen phone usage have on parents?

-  Do parents in your church/organization monitor their teen’s mobile technology usage?  Why or why not?

-  Is technology usage regionally or socioeconomically driven?  Does income level change what impacts the family? Basically do all families struggle with the same things?

-  What percentage of family communication happens online?  How much of your family rhythm is centered around technology?

-  What is the most effective time families spend together that is not centered around technology?

-  As you look to the future, do you believe that technology will deepen family relationships or diminish family relationships?  Why?

____________________________________________________

**  Any feedback would be extremely helpful!  Also if you have any additional insight regarding:  What Is Impacting The Family? Please provide them in the comment section or email me directly.

Youth pastors often dislike and/or lack an appreciation for church staff meetings.  They can be seen as boring, unproductive, artificial, annoying, a waste of time, and a joke.  Youth pastors tend to either: disengage (fall asleep or play on their cell phone/laptop) or become angry and cynical when staff meetings fail to live up to their desires.

All-church staff meetings are important, regardless of the type of leadership youth pastors sit under, or how unproductive the meetings are. Youth pastors cannot blow off church staff meetings (mentally or physically). Think about it…all church staff meetings provide a time that other staff (from janitorial, to administration, to the other pastors) get to see the face of the youth ministry and hear about what God is doing in the youth ministry department.

I get it.  It can be frustrating to sit in staff meetings sometimes, especially when there is tension in the room, when you question the productivity level of the meeting, and when you are annoyed by someone at the table (or maybe you are annoying someone at the table, but this is HIGHLY unlikely).  You may have considered finding an excuse so that you don’t have to be there.  Maybe the ONLY time you could find to have that coffee meeting just so happened to be right in the middle of the meeting.  How convenient.

You know what?  Your youth need you to be there.  Your staff needs you to be there. If you don’t attend and engage, you only reinforce the “solo youth ministry department” stereotype.  I hear youth pastors complain about feeling alone and needing support more than I hear about boring staff meetings.  Could the two be connected indirectly?  Consider engaging in the meeting as a part of God’s sanctification process for you, and as a way to build a support system (for yourself and your ministry, but also for your students).

What To Do During An All Church Staff Meeting to Avoid Falling Asleep:

Hard Part:

-  Bring your notebook, pencil, and Bible. Do not bring any thing that will distract you during the meeting:  EX: Laptop, iPAD, kids, cat or dog, and cell phone.  If you have to bring your laptop turn off the wifi.  Take notes on what people are saying.

-  Shut up and smile.  This is a hard task for a youth pastor to master, but it is necessary.  When it is your turn to listen, just bite your tongue and listen. Listen with your ears, eyes, mouth, and body.  Be positive.  Believe the best about everyone speaking.  Negativity in a staff meeting is not productive.  If you have some issues or “beef” with the leadership, schedule an appointment with the leaders who can change things and talk privately.  If you feel it is important that your contradictory opinion be known in the meeting, your criticism should be constructive and presented with an open mind and spirit.  Include proof that you have been listening and that you respect everyone’s ideas in your appeals.

- Probe other staff members.  Show that you care for the other church staff.  Ask questions about their ministry and life (and CARE about the answers, don’t just pretend!).  Having solid relationships with other staff members will make your youth ministry job easier, especially when you need someone in your corner or a quick ministry favor.

-  Criticize well. Use the Oreo technique.  First provide a positive comment (top black layer) followed by a critique (the white stuffing), ending with another praise (the bottom black layer).  For example, “Pastor Tom I appreciate your passion, but I don’t feel it is wise to ask the high school seniors to volunteer at the Men’s breakfast the morning after their senior prom.  Pastor Tom you sure have a heart to recruit great volunteers.”

Easy Part:

-  Communicate why children/students matter.  It is your mission to always communicate to everyone why everyone needs to care for the children and students of the church.  Get the staff to remember the students are the church, right now!

-  Fight and stand up for the children/students of the church. Unfortunately, youth pastors are often the sole advocates for the students of the church.  So advocate well and get excited about why you get to do this every day!  If you have to be like Jesus, feel free to rebuke the adults who are hindering the children and students that are running, courageously, to Jesus (Luke 18.15-17 and Mark 10.13 – 16)

-  Keep the meeting on track.  Don’t make sacrastic comments that derail the meeting (trust me, I know).  Constantly remind the staff to get back on track.  Little side comments may be fun in the moment, but they kill the productivity in the room.  Also before the prayer section that marks the beginning of staff meeting, ask the person running the meeting when the meeting will end.  Keep him/her accountable to the end time.

-  Drink caffeine before the meeting. Caffinate yourself before going into the meeting–Coke, Mountain Dew, and Coffee.  I have found that coffee has a faster caffeine effect in ministry settings.  If you don’t drink coffee, you might want to start.

-  Feel free to use the restroom and take your time…but not TOO much time. Don’t abuse this privilege.  An average youth pastor bathroom break is 4-6 minutes.  You don’t want the staff to be concerned that you may have a “stomach bug”, which may mean they pray for you at the end of the meeting which may take more time…..

- Tell 2-3 stories about how God is moving in the youth ministry department. When it is your turn to talk, talk only about the successful God moments that transpired in your youth ministry that week.  Be focused, passionate, and convincing.  Engage the older staff members.  If they cry, bonus Sharing passionate stories shows the staff you really care about kids.  Share your concerns only when they need to be addressed by the church.  Don’t waste time griping about that annoying parent who keeps trying to sabotage your ministry unless talking about it in the meeting is going to change something.