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Via the Slant33.com blog Brian Berry, Michelle Lang and I all were asked to answer this question:  How do you find safe friendships at church when you live in a fishbowl?  

This question is something that totally hit home for me because I had to work really hard to find friends outside of my church while serving as youth pastor in a church.  I found that the friendships that last are the ones that you intentionally cultivate outside of the church.  So make sure to read Brian’s and Michelle’s response here and you can see my answer below:

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Healthy and vulnerable friendships for youth pastors are so essential. I spend a lot of my days talking and connecting with youth pastors around the country, and there is one common theme youth workers struggle with: They are extremely lonely. We don’t have a lot of friends. All youth workers dream about having a small group of trusted friends who love and care for them for who they are and not what they do for the church.

The ancient Greek philosopher Aristotle makes it clear that the number of people with whom one can sustain the kind of relationship he calls a perfect friendship is quite small. The role of youth pastor is relationally driven, which means the capacity to maintain a large group of friends is not sustainable. There is no need to have a large pool of surface-level friendships but rather having two to three really great friends outside the church. So the question remains: Should youth pastors find friends inside or outside the church?

I strongly argue that the best solution to finding safe friendships is simply outsourcing your friendships outside the church. First, youth workers need more community outside their church communities. Getting sucked into the church fishbowl is dangerous because your life, perspective, and experience are only rooted in your church community. You won’t be able to see life outside your church community lens. It is important to have non-church friends to help you objectively think and process about your life, marriage, and ministry.

Second, youth workers need outlets that force them to get out of the fishbowl. You need legitimate reasons to jump out. If church life is the only thing you have going, it will literally suck the life out of you. Find ways to enjoy life outside your church life.

Third, friends at church can only see you as a church employee. You need friends who see you as you. Ministry is your job, so don’t feel obligated to have best friends at your church. You cannot get on a vulnerable level with friends inside the church without changing their perspective of who you are as a leader in the church.

Fourth, having friends at church is too risky. You need safe and trusted relationships were you can freely vent without having to filter your thoughts and words. It is problematic when you are worrying if your venting sessions will backfire. Church people love to gossip about other church people, especially if it is about the church leadership.

Youth pastors have to figure out how to build relationships where you can be honest. My only solution is to jump out of the fishbowl and start intentionally carving time to cultivate friendships outside the church. Here are two ways to cultivate safe, fun, and trusted friendships outside the church:

Be committed to developing long-term friendship. In order to build great relationships, you have to value friendships. The best friends for youth pastors are other youth pastors. Youth pastors share interests and passions with other youth pastors. Join a local youth pastor network so you can befriend other like-minded youth pastors with whom you can talk life, marriage, and ministry.

Find hobbies outside the church. In other words, get a life. I was just recently at the National Youth Workers Convention in San Diego, and I stopped the youth ministry guru/veteran Les Christie to ask: “What has kept you sane in your youth ministry tenure?” Without any hesitation, he passionately said, “I found hobbies outside the church. I found other things to do than just youth ministry.” I smiled and gave him a hug and said, “I completely agree.” The hobbies I have pursued outside of church have kept me sane and given me other friends.

So how can one guarantee safe and life-giving friendships? Shatter the fishbowl, be committed to cultivating friends outside the church, and find hobbies that pull you away from church work.

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Questions for youth workers:

-  Do you feel like you don’t have a lot of safe friends?

-  Do you agree or disagree you cannot have safe friends inside the church? Why or why not.

-  How do you find friends?

My Full Disclaimer: This is a guilty pleasure post and coincides with the post: Youth Pastor Physical Care.  If you are not interested in fitness or exercise I would recommend not reading this post. Also, I am not a medical doctor so if these suggested workouts don’t work; please don’t blame and/or sue me (P90x and Insanity workouts will give you your $ back if they don’t produce results).  I am only sharing what worked for me.  Please consult your doctor before doing any physical activity.

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I love talking about why youth pastors need to consider working out.  I started working out and recording my workouts at the age of 12, my dad was a bodybuilder, and I underwent ACE (American Council of Exercise) certification back in 2001.  I love youth ministry and working out.  So I am always struggling how to integrate exercise in my youth ministry lifestyle.

Why Youth Pastors Need To Exercise:

-  ministry is spiritually and emotionally draining and working out helps the body recharge and clears the mind.  working out got me through a lot of stressful and dark youth ministry days

-  youth ministry is not necessary physically exhausting, so it may be wise to consider being more physically active

-  many of the older-veteran ministry guys/gals are having health problems because of the intense ministry lifestyle

-  most youth pastors are competitive and exercising helps alleviate the competitive spirt

-  God said to take care of our bodies (1 Corinthians 3:16–17; 6:19–20)

-  youth pastors have to stay fit for their “hot” husband/wife

-  some youth workers want to look young because their metabolism is slowing down and the stress is effecting their hair color

Youth Pastor Lifestyle

Two words that describe the youth pastor lifestyle:  busy and broke.  Over the years, I experimented with many workout routines that are: (1) highly conducive to crazy youth ministry schedules (2) cheap (3) simple and (4) produce fast results. So it is my goal to share with all of my youth ministry friends particular workout guidelines and routines I have found to work.

WorkOut Guidelines To Follow:

-  have the freedom to workout on your own time ( i prefer mornings)

-  workout at home or outside

-  make working out a priority.  don’t ditch working out because life and ministry are “busy”

-  get on a program so you are able to track reps and progression

-  have a clear start and finish date

-  be realistic by starting small

-  clarify your fitness goals.  i.e. lose weight, improve cardio, build muscle, get in shape, run in a marathon

-  listen to music when getting your sweat on

-  record all workout routines that includes # of sets and reps, date, and body weight in a notebook.  it helps to see the workout results, which motivates excerise completion.

-  identify a reward if you finish the workout program.  incentives greatly help!  if you complete the program what will you reward yourself?

-  find a friend to workout with you

Best Workouts For Busy and Broke Youth Pastors:

Running- One of the most easiest thing to do is slip on a pair of shoes and go for a run.  The thing about running is that you need to find a running program and goal that works.  You need to be training for something like a marathon, 5k, or 10k so there is a clear finish date.  Workout for runners:  Beginner Training Plan- 6 Weeks to a 5K,  running workouts, race training workouts, and running tips.  I would also highly recommend to visit www.runrevrun.net which is a website for pastors and friends to share stories about trying to keep — or get — fit.

No Weights, No Problem Workout- This is a circuit workout that totally utilizes the entire body and it’s weight.  The workout consists of 8 exercises with 2 sets each.  Please visit the Men’s Health website (click here) to view the exact workout routine.

Insanity Workout- Insanity is a 60 day DVD workout that has 10 insane interval workouts.  Each workout is 45 minutes and targets fat burning, cardio, and endurance.  Shaun T (the workout creator) developed the program on the circuit training model in order to deliver fast results in 60 days.  This workout is tough and requires a lot of intensity.  To find out more about the Insanity workout click here.

P90x- P90X contains 12 intense DVD workouts that focus on muscle groups or a training technique.  Get ready to do a lot of push and pull ups.  This workout can be completed all in your home.  P90x provides you with a 90-day calendar which illustrates a daily overview of your workout routine.  P90X is all about building muscle and muscle confusion.  Personally I like P90x over Insanity, however Insanity is nuts.  In the Fall I am going to re-do the Insanity workout and compare and contrast the results with the P90x workout.  For more info check out the P90x website

GSP Rushfit-  Rushfit was developed by Welter Weight UFC Champion, George St. Pierre.  Rushfit is a 8 week in home video workout.  Rushfit is all about strength, endurance, and explosive power training and ab & core conditioning. Essentially George has designed a workout that builds muscle, improves cardio, and cuts fat.  I am currently experimenting with Rushfit and it is difficult!  The conditioning segments kills me.  For more info check out the Rushfit website.

No Workout, No Carbs-  If you dont like to workout, I have a solution for you– The Slow Carb Diet.  The Slow Carb Diet is amazing because it is simple, cheap, and no exercise is needed to lose weight.  The Slow Carb Diet has 5 rules.

Rule #1: Avoid “white” carbs

Rule #2: Eat The Same Few Meals Over and Over Again (each meal has to include and limited to: protein, legumes, and vegetables)

Rule #3: Don’t drink calories (water and coffee only!)

Rule #4: Don’t eat fruit and dairy

Rule #5: Have 1 cheat day per week (1 day per week you can eat an unlimited amount of any food/beverage)

When I did the Slow Carb Diet I lost 13lbs in 29 days.  I didn’t believe it.  All I did was follow these rules. If you want to learn more about The Slow Carb Diet click here.

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What are other best workouts that are cheap, simple and conducive to the youth pastor lifestyle?

What workouts have you had success with?

I have a confession to make:  I am an energy/caffeine addict.  I love getting a quick fix and feeling fully alive (John 10.10).  I guess I am just trying to live out a Biblical life in youth ministry.

I have chugged many energy drinks (Monster, Redbull, Rockstar, AMP energy) that are loaded with sugar and carbohydration. I would get a quick fix and crash hard. Back in Nov ’09 I started having heart palpitations because of youth ministry stress and consuming high amounts of caffeine. Basically my heart said no more.  So I had to rethink how to cut caffeine out and brainstorm new ways to feel energetic without chugging redbulls before youth group.

Ministering in youth ministry requires a lot of emotional and spiritual energy.  Just the other day someone asked me:  How do you get an enough energy to do youth ministry?

One of the biggest potential downers of running a youth ministry program is not having an enough energy to make it from start to finish.  All the planning, meeting, praying, studying is done and now you are on with no energy.  I would get so frustrated because my youth ministry team and I would plan so hard and the start of youth group would come and I would feel extremely exhausted.  Or I would be preaching and I would run out of gas half way through the sermon.

I am going to highlight how to have explosive energy when trying to:

-  be productive in your youth ministry office

-  pull a youth ministry all nighter

-  preach the gospel

-  lead a youth ministry program or event.

Here are my tricks on how to feel alive (without the sugar/carbohydrates) when leading a youth ministry program:

1.  Provide your body with the core nutrients it really needs: 1) Drink more water by adhering to this guideline:  Drink half your body weight in ounces every day.  If you weigh 200 pounds, drink 100 ounces of water.  2) Exercise 3 times a week in the morning, 3) Breathe great unpolluted oxygen, and 4) Take vitamins and minerals.

2.  Take Vitamin B-6 and B-12 because they unlock energy in your food storage

3.  Get more ginseng because it reduces stress and chronic fatigue – Ginseng is well known to have energy boosting agents.  It builds resistance to stress and boost energy.  A ginseng supplement can be added to tea which will greatly improve energy.  

4.  Listen to Music That Pumps You Up – My favorite pre-youth group songs that I would listen to:  Jump Around (House of Pain), I’ve Got The Power (Snap), and Splinter (Sevendust)

5.  Immersion In Natural Light – Your body needs vitamin D to help with nutrient absorption which will unlock energy.

6.  Reduce Acidic Foods- Avoid all fast food restaurants.

7.  XS Energy Drinks – XS doesn’t contain sugar, it is loaded with B vitamins, and doesn’t contain caffeine.  I know the CEO of this product because he attended our church in Laguna Beach. He is a sharp guy and knows what he is doing when it comes to engineering a quality energy drink.  He wanted to design an energy drink that allows for explosive energy while tasting good without any sugar.  To check out XS products click here.  I have had much success with this product and took cases of XS with me for junior high and high school winter camp.

8.  Eat Berries- Eat red, blue, and purple berries.  These berries contain anthocyanins which is a powerful energy booster.  

9.  Have A Pre-Youth Group Snack- a small healthy snack that is low in sugar, has a lot of protein and fiber a couple hours before youth group can help you finish the day off strong.  Some suggestions:

• mixed nuts (for example trail mix.  Special forces are encouraged to consume high amounts of trail mix when they need endurance in high attitudes.)
• nonfat yogurt
• apple and peanut butter
• frozen berrie smoothie
• trail mix
• granola bar

10.  Drink 8oz of Diet Coke a hour before youth group – When there are high amounts of caffeine intakes you get jitteriness, nervousness, insomnia, headaches, dizziness, and gas aka the farts.  If you monitor a healthy caffeine intake of 3mg per body weight you will still get the energy minus the side effects.  For example:  If you weighed 150lbs you can consume 70-210mg of caffeine.  If you want to read more about this click here.

11.  I would avoid drinking coffee before a nightly youth group program or event- Coffee not only dehydrates you, but also will inject a lot of caffeine in you 4-6 hours before bed time, which may cause insomnia.  However I am not against drinking coffee in the morning.  Just load up with coffee between the hours of 5am to 10am.

The students in your youth ministry need you to be aware, alert, alive, available, and enthusiastic.  With a few simple changes you can give yourself the gift of explosive energy to make youth group last for eternity.  Youth group will be great and you will naturally feel great!!

Please feel free to add some of your natural energy boosting tricks in the comment section.  I am always looking for new ways to get energy minus the sugar and carbohydration.  By the way, I have tested all these tricks………

12. Ohh I almost forgot: Prayer is another huge piece to obtaining enough strength and energy to get through youth group!  My simple pray was right out of Psalm 29.11:  ”Lord give me strength to make it through tonight, amen!”

The magazine Group in 2007 did a national salary survey for youth pastors. (I am looking for some current data on the average youth pastor salary for 2010.  Any leads?  Thanks Josh Griffin for providing this youth pastor salary survey on your blog.)  The average salary package (benefits included) for 2007 was $42,500.

Bottom line: There are a numerous tricks for how to enjoy life and still look good while working in youth ministry.

Since I lived many frustrating seasons of being broke as a youth pastor and not being to go out to eat, take my wife out on a date, go on vacation, get “cool” clothes, and have cable TV, I was on mission to figure out how to do/buy all this stuff without breaking the bank.

**I have tried all of these techniques and they do in fact work while serving your student ministry

- utilize restaurant (among other things) coupons (Entertainment Book, Groupon, resturant.com).  I highly recommend the Entertainment Book because it gives you not only buy one get one free coupons for restaurants and discounts on movies, but also gives you a lot of free promos to try many services out, without having to give a credit card number.  Additionally, had there not been a “line of sight” issue, we could have saved over $20 per month on cable.  We’ve been able to save 10% on airfare, 15% of furnishings and so much more.  I’d recommend checking in with yelp.com before purchasing a Groupon or restaurant.com certificate to make sure the restaurant deserves your business (and always call ahead to make sure the restaurants will honor any and all coupons – we’ve had a few say they just won’t for whatever reason).

- visit travelzoo, bookit.com, priceline.com, travelbyjen.com, and resortvacationstogo.com (thanks to my wife who finds crazy good deals on vacations).  *Don’t forget to always check in with tripadvisor.com to make sure you don’t book a sketchy hotel/resort.

- search craigslist, amazon, and ebay for anything because it will be cheaper.  However make sure you are buying from a legit buyer.  Do your homework.  I have bought name brand jeans, sunglasses, computers, ipods, iphone, and books at GREATLY reduced prices.  Buying straight from Amazon is a little safer than a seller on Amazon, and those prices are often great too.

- capitalize on credit card reward points when buying stuff for the church or youth ministry.  Make sure to double check with your church accountant if it is cool for you to use your credit so you can get reward points.  Keep your church accountable, ensuring you get those reimbursement checks on time.  Late fees are not fun.

- cancel cable and get Netflix.  The Netflix feature “watch instantly” is clutch.  Watch your favorite shows the day after they air on network websites.

-  sign up for free birthday stuff: http://www.freebirthdaystuff.com/ http://www.frugalliving.tv/free-stuff/birthday-freebies.html http://20somethingfinance.com/10-free-birthday-meals/ .  For my birthday, I signed up and participated in every offer that was appropriate.  Needless to say I receive 11 coupons for free birthday stuff that I had to use within 2 weeks.  Even my wife, who is a rockstar money saver, was impressed.  My favorite free birthday coupon was the Jack in the Box ice cream shake and 2 free mexican fajitas at a local mexican restaurant.

-  visit your students where they work.  Some times your students are able to  give a discount or something for free.  It is a win-win.  You visit them and get to do ministry while “possibly” getting something for free.  I always had a lot of students who worked at Starbucks and yogurt shops.  They loved having visitors at work and great connections are always made as you get to see them in “real life” and not only at church.

- save X amount of dollars a month that goes to something fun.

- find a dollar theater and attend it frequently. You need to be willing to drive an extra mile or two in order to basically watch a movie for free.  Worth it.

- take advantage of AAA discounts. You will be surprised with how many businesses (restaurants, hotels, etc.) accept the AAA discount.

- substitute teach (if your state allows it without a license)/protoctor SAT/ACT tests.  Thankfully my wife was a teacher so she had some district connections which enabled me to protoctor SAT/ACT tests on Saturday mornings.  Another plus is being able to protoctor some of your students as they are taking their college entrance exams.

-  shop at second hand stores that sell legit name brand clothing.  For example, Plato’s Closet, Goodwill, Salvation Army, and Buffalo Exchange.  (A quick search of “Used, Vintage, & Consignment” on yelp.com should help you to find hidden places.  Was able to find a bunch of great stores in California this way).  It was always helpful I lived in Orange County where a lot of people got rid of name brand clothes just because…..

- buy yourself a Starbucks gift card.  Register the gift card at starbucks.com.  Never pay cash or use a credit card again.  You will get free syrup, soy milk, free drink on your birthday, free drink after you buy 15, free holiday pastries, free refills, coupons for Starbucks products, etc.  If you regularly have coffee meetings, this is a must.  Saving close to a dollar each visit adds up.

-  rent from Redbox. Redbox is a machine where you can rent movies from.  You can find a Redbox at any local grocery store, walgreens, or walmart.  Here is why you need to rent from Redbox:  They have free promo codes here.  You simply pick your favorite new release insert the promo code and you get a free movie!!  You just have to make sure you return it the next day by 6pm.  Happy free movie renting!

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Question for my fellow broke youth pastors:

What are you techniques on how to live large on a student pastor’s salary?

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